EchoDash

my (un)told story.

I’ll see a magazine article, a commercial, a youtube video, a tweet, a post, a picture. And it just infuriates me. My eyebrows furrow and my muscles tense up and I get this awful feeling in my stomach. Hatred. Shame. Jealousy. The injustice of it all just wells up inside of me and there’s just no way to release it. I don’t know why this has been the one thing I have never been able to let go. I don’t hold grudges. But this is just too much. It affected me too much. It changed my life. It ruined my childhood. She destroyed me.

I never understood why she just flat out hated me. I was different, yeah, but what did I do to deserve what she did to me? What she said to me? How she acted towards me? So I was a tomboy. How was that her business? So I wasn’t the daughter of a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. Who cares? So I wasn’t on Barney and BFFs with Selena Gomez. I didn’t want any of that. So I wasn’t beautiful and popular. Why did she have to rub it in my face?

Elementary and Middle School are the years when you discover your identity, your personality, your sense of self. They are the years you spend defining yourself and building self-confidence. So what happens when that is interrupted? What happens when, during the time you’re supposed to be gaining self-esteem, a single person breaks you down, bit by bit, day by day? Me. That’s what happens.

I understand that everyone who is a bully is a bully for a reason. They were abused, mistreated, or bullied themselves. But that’s an explanation, not an excuse. There is no excuse for the way she treated me.

I remember one time in 4th grade where we were sharing ideas as a group of 4 (she was in my group) with the class. The teacher asked my group for one last idea, and I asked my group if I could share since I had a pretty good one. She looked me in the eye and said, “No one cares what you have to say.” I don’t remember much from Elementary and Middle school, probably because they were so awful for me, but that moment stands out in my mind. I’ve never been able to forget it.

In 6th grade, I was surprised to find myself friends with 2 of the most popular girls in my grade. I tried to ignore the fact that she was one of their closest friends too. But one day after lunch, while everyone was in the courtyard, she decided to approach me. With the help of my 2 ‘friends’, she pinned me down on a picnic table. She took my ponytail out (I never wore my hair down. Ever. I was very self-conscious and hated change.) and wouldn’t give it back. I never wore makeup (Like I said before, I was a tomboy), and she decided it was time to change that. While she had my 2 closest ‘friends’ pin me down, she caked my face in makeup. Bawling, I ran inside. I locked myself in the bathroom and washed my face. But I had to go to class. Terrified as I was to wear my hair down, I held my hair up for the entire class because she told people not to give me a spare hair tie. I spent an hour red-faced, arm up, sniffling in the back of the room. I was humiliated. It was the worst day of my life.

After she left school, things got a little better. I began to forget about her and move on. And then she became famous. Her face was everywhere. Her songs were on the radio. She showed up in my magazines. I heard people talking about how she was going on tour. Thousands of little girls looked up to her as a role model. Someone to be adored and envied.

And the worst part of all? She added insult to injury.

She gave interviews about how she was ‘bullied’ in school. About how she ‘didn’t understand’ why girls hated her. She began making videos and commercials about putting an end to bullying. The hatred and injustice of it all welled up inside of me. How could a person be so wicked? It made me sick to my stomach. It still does. And I just hate her. She doesn’t deserve it. The fans, the attention, the fame, the love, the wealth, any of it.

I know I’m supposed to love my enemies, but it’s just too much. I was hurt too much, too young. I’m just disgusted. Full of bitterness. How do I overcome this? How do I move on, so many years later? Why can I not let this go?

What I would give for the chance to confront her. To look in her eyes and tell her how much damage she did. People say ‘well you don’t know she hasn’t changed’ yeah I do. She’s been back to Grapevine a few times, and friends from school have seen her. She’s the same. Snobbish. Conceited. Self-righteous. Freaking evil. But at the same time, I don’t think I could confront her. I’m terrified of her. I’m terrified that she would look at me and laugh. Laugh because she’s better. More successful. People scream her name. Young girls covet her looks and her talent. And what do I have? Mild bi-polar disorder and acne. A mediocre wardrobe. Boring hair. Obnoxious personality. I would never be able to face her.

The whole thing just makes me mad. And when I look even further inside myself, it makes me sad. It makes me hate myself. It makes me hate her. It makes me hate the people that are fooled by her. I just can’t stand it.

So that’s my story. That’s my childhood. That’s the story of how I was bullied by Demi Lovato.

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